Please, let me fuck your mom
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
