Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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