she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
