I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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