yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
