I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
