so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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