Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
