I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
