he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
