Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
