Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
