i jhust puked up my retainher.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
