Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
