Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
