she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
