turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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