he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
