How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
