bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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