Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
