forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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