I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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