I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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