fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
