so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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