i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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