I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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