Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
