I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We are two peas in an std pod
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
