There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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