I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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