WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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