Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
