If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
