I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
