dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
