Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
