Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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