my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
