Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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