dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
