So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
