Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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