New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
