Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
