I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
