What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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