there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
