i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
