you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
